Stopping myself eating made me feel in control
AT PRIMARY school Claire found it hard to fit in and says she didn't really have any friends. She felt left out and that no-one wanted to be around her.
And by the time she went to high school her lack of self confidence had manifested itself into a problem with food.
Lasting a long time without eating was something she did to make herself feel better and to try to control her negative thoughts.
"Restricting my food made me feel more in control of myself – it was something I had power over," says the 22-year-old, who now lives in Highfields, Stafford.
"I couldn't control how other people treated me, but I could control what I was or wasn't eating."
By the age of 11 Claire was having panic attacks, and by age 15 she was self-harming and having suicidal thoughts.
"Eating disorders aren't about food or weight, it's about a young person or adult who isn't able to deal with emotion and stress," she says.
"I would go longer and longer without eating anything, but at the time I couldn't put my finger on why I was doing it. I just knew I needed to do it.
"I didn't feel overweight or want to lose weight in any way, and I wasn't trying to copy a celebrity I'd seen on TV or in a magazine. Stopping myself eating was something that made me feel good about myself, something I wasn't getting in any other areas of my life."
While Claire admits she never really ate breakfast, she began to avoid having lunch at school, though at home she continued to have an evening meal with her parents and younger brother.
Soon her eating habits at school were picked up on and reported to her parents, but the realisation that she was drawing attention from other people only added to her anxiety.
"Because I was a people pleaser it upset me that I was worrying people, so I did try to eat a normal amount again, but the underlying difficulties that were causing me to feel that way remained.
"By the beginning of year eight I was having daily panic attacks and the reaction from peers was that I was doing it for attention – which was the last thing I wanted.
"That made me more anxious and soon my mum was having to pick me up from school at least once a week because of the panic attacks. But no-one took me to the doctors and now I think early intervention is so important."
As her GCSE exams loomed closer, the pressure Claire placed upon herself as a high achiever grew more intense.
"It got really bad during Year 11 because every other word from teachers was GCSE and how you had to do well," she continues.
"It's a natural instinct for teachers and parents to try to support and push you, but the way I perceived it was different. I thought I needed full marks to make everything OK, even though that wasn't realistic or logical.
"I felt I had to get high grades because people would hate me if I didn't."
The pressure Claire felt during this time affected her dramatically. While her eating disorder was spiralling out of control, she had developed a need to self-harm.
"I had low self-esteem and confidence and no self-worth. Because I wasn't eating I found it harder and harder to concentrate at school, but by this time I was quite ill and it wasn't just about food any more.
"I had started to self-harm when I was 15. At first it was only on my own, but it got to a point when I couldn't go through a whole lesson without cutting, so I would self-harm under the desk thinking no-one would notice."
But thankfully people did notice, and after meetings with a child and adolescent mental health nurse, Claire was admitted to hospital. First as an in-patient at a local children's medical ward in Manchester, where her family was living at the time, and then to the area's child and adolescent mental health unit.
"I really was quite ill, and I'd made a couple of suicide attempts," she explains.
"My mind was full of depressive thoughts – of how much I believed everyone hated me. When I was admitted to hospital it was the self-harm, depression and suicidal behaviour they were concerned about.
"One of the consultant psychiatrists even told my parents I would spend the rest of my life in hospital.
"But I think things are much better now, because if you are under the assumption you aren't going to get any better then you aren't going to find the need to fight any more."
Claire was transferred between the intensive care unit and eating disorders unit, depending on which symptoms doctors were most worried about. Her parents visited her every day, a three-hour round trip, but she admits she was too ill to consider the effect she was having on those around her.
"Your first reaction as a parent would be to ask 'what have I done wrong?' My mum still beats herself up about it, but I know she did the best she could," she adds.
"Everyone's reasons are different and this is something I struggled with while I was in hospital. They treated everyone the same and the lack of an individual approach didn't work for me.
"If you didn't eat everything on your plate you would be offered a nutritional drink, and if you didn't drink that you would be fed by a nasal tube which goes down the back of your throat and into your stomach."
Claire was discharged as an inpatient when she was 17, but just seven months later, aged 18, she was admitted to the adult acute psychiatric unit in Stockport. Six weeks later, she was transferred to the special adult eating disorders unit in Stafford, where a more individual approach to treatment began to bring results.
"I didn't adapt to eating again very well and there were still foods I wouldn't eat," she admits.
"Cheese, chips and chocolate were my real fear foods, but I began to start widening my diet – rather than it being forced upon me – and this approach was far more helpful. I was treated as Claire and not as an anorexic."
Now she's an ambassador for 'beat', a leading UK charity for people with eating disorders and their families.
"One of my big issues with how eating disorders are reported in the media is that the focus is on what the person was or wasn't eating, and what their minimum and maximum weight was," says Claire.
She prefers not to mention her past or current weight, because she believes it has a negative effect on people in a similar situation.
She explains: "That's because there's a competitive element to anorexia. Even now if I read about someone with an eating disorder and they didn't get to as low a weight as I did there's an element of pride – and this is so many years into recovery."
Today, Claire lives independently and works part-time as a domicilary carer, though still receives psychiatric treatment. But she is confident that, given time, she will be able to make a full recovery.
"My real aspiration for the future is to be able to accept myself for who I am, but I want to raise awareness of eating disorders and to help break down the stigma and shame that surrounds them," she concludes.
"Eating disorders can affect anyone and it's important that we help people seek the right treatment they need and deserve."
Claire is currently working with Newbridge House in Sutton Coldfield to raise awareness about eating disorders and the need for specialist services. To find out more call 0121 580 8362.
Comment on this story