The hotel where all its guests go naked
The Hotel Inspector Five, 9pm
HOTEL owner Tim first encountered naturism on a foreign exchange trip to Finland. Must have come as a shock when the headmaster greeted him off the coach.
He's had an interest in it ever since but, when a farmer, was never able to indulge himself. It's just not that great an idea near a threshing machine.
In later life, however, he's turned his back on funny shaped turnips and instead opened a nudist hotel. A bit like Club 18-30 accommodation, only official.
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The Clover Hotel & Spa, in Birmingham, is a place where it's compulsory to remove your clothes. Similar to an unpleasant procedure at the doctor's only with a full English breakfast.
Tim insists guests are naked at all times, even when eating in the restaurant. Which is OK so long as there's not a dog around after a sausage.
Hotel Inspector Alex Polizzi isn't against nudity. Without it there'd be no hair in bath plugholes for her to complain about. But eating in the nude just isn't her bag. The last thing you want is the soup of the day down your cleavage.
"I don't have a problem with nudity but I found that disconcerting," she said of the prospect of garment-free dining. I know how she feels. I once attended the shooting of a nude Women's Institute calendar where they'd forgotten the cream cakes.
"It's an awful reality of life," continued Polizzi, "that most people look better dressed." Sadly, I haven't seen enough naked ones to comment.
On the other hand I'd agree that, if I was staying at a nudist hotel, I wouldn't particularly want to find myself next to Ann Widdecombe in the lift.
Polizzi felt that Tim's insistence on permanent nudity in all areas was behind (geddit?) the hotel's lack of guests. Even naturists like to robe sometimes. For instance, most of them will at least wear a thong round Morrisons.
Even in the lounge area, guests had to be nude. Fair enough until you're searching for a different game on Wimbledon and press the wrong red button.
"The worst part," said Polizzi, "was that Tim didn't even have an alcohol licence." Vodka can sting, Alex, you know.
"It's a long time since anyone's asked me to get my kit off without offering me a drink first," she added. Yes, 2007, when I bumped into her at Keele Services.
There was an attempt to boost trade by organising a nude flash mob in a shopping centre, but all it did was remind a few people they needed some dried olives from Holland & Barrett.
To be honest, though, you don't need to travel to Birmingham to revel in your own nakedness. You just need to know the right people up the Westlands.