How can I choose the right woman?
I was married for 15 years and have been divorced for three. I began to go on dating sites about 18 months ago and have met quite a few people and I am now dating two lovely ladies. My problem is they are both very different and I get enjoyment from being with both but in different ways. I don't feel I like one more than the other and while I am ultimately looking to settle down, I don't feel able to make up my mind who I'd commit to. I have not deceived them, as they both know about the other and so far seem ok with the situation. How do I pick one who will make me the happiest long-term?
It seems you have discovered two ladies who between them meet your needs completely. As for the majority of us, when we fall in love with someone there are inevitably some aspects to that relationship which may be lacking. Your dilemma is that you know in order to commit, one can stay and the other you must let go. If you are looking at long-term commitment you need to be thinking in terms of who you could see yourself sharing your life with on a daily basis. One may be great fun, or you enjoy great sex with them, the other may be loving, supportive, caring but ask yourself would that be enough? Draw up a list of your needs then see which lady may meet most of those for you.
My husband works long hours in a stressful job he doesn't enjoy. He was made redundant three years ago and took this job because it was all he could get. I work part-time to help and do as much as I can in the home to relieve his stress so when he does get in we can have a bit of time together. I've noticed over the last few months his drinking has increased and he starts almost as soon as he comes in from work. I've tried not to say anything but on a couple of occasions he has become so drunk I have had to help him to bed. When I've tried to say something he snaps at me but doesn't seem to realise apart from me worrying about him, I feel very lonely sitting watching him getting steadily drunk. How can I get him to listen to me?
Clearly his job is making him unhappy. He is choosing alcohol as his coping strategy. He may also be erring on the side of depression, so I would suggest he see his GP. He may feel so low the idea of looking for alternative employment is too much for him but while he has the security of employment, he could be looking for something more suitable. At the moment he is choosing not to listen to you but the longer he tries to dismiss your concerns the more he risks your relationship crumbling. You must impress on him your concerns, how unhappy you are. If he won't listen, tell him you will go to Relate, ask him to go with you and if he won't, go yourself, in the hope he will join you.
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My girlfriend has always been insecure and jealous. Over the four years we've been together she has slowly stopped me from seeing my friends and doing the things I enjoy. I suddenly realised how much I have lost. What I now have is someone who tells me they love me but deep down I resent. I tried to end the relationship but she became hysterical and threatened all sorts of things. The only way to calm her was by saying I'd give it another go. She has been lovely since but I feel even more now that I can't stay. An opportunity has come up to work in Australia for six months. I would love the experience but I also see it as a way I could begin to end the relationship but the idea of telling her scares me. What should I do?
If this were the other way round and you were a woman writing to me with a man controlling her in this way, I would say you were caught in an abusive relationship and encourage you to leave. There are many traits you have described that fall into elements of power and control. I am afraid your girlfriend needs to address her issues because until such time, she will always behave this way. You need to summon up the strength to end the relationship. It is hard to ignore her hysteria and threats but she is an adult and is responsible for herself.
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