John Woodhouse: X-ray 'stripping' scan may be too much for us to bear

HOLIDAYMAKERS from this region may be shocked to learn they are to be subjected to a new security scanner that produces "naked" images of passengers.

Don't worry – they haven't fitted it at the National Express stand at Hanley bus station. No, this contraption is at Manchester Airport, where electromagnetic waves will be beamed at passengers, the resultant image viewed by a person concealed in a nearby room.

To be honest, it's a while since I exposed myself to a stranger sat hidden in a booth. Not since I had that summer job at a Hamburg peep show.

And you can understand people's trepidation. Maureen from Normacot hasn't saved for a year for a week in Alicante only to be denuded prior to boarding. Rather she'd set her heart on being denuded by a Spanish waiter called Carlos when she got there.

Virtual three-dimensional images will show up breast enlargements, body piercings and a clear black-and-white outline of passengers' privates. There's talk of putting them up on a big screen in the main departure lounge to encourage people to get into better shape.

There was talk recently of installing retina scanners at airports, but presumably now you'll just have to carry an X-ray of your bottom.

The main question that arises from all this, of course, is who exactly is the person sat inspecting these images in the booth? What kind of pervert would spend eight hours a day looking through the clothes of complete strangers? And does Manchester Airport know I'm available for the minimum wage?

The airport authorities have reassured passengers that the scanner will be handled responsibly and none of the images will be stored. Even so, whoever's sat in that booth is going to have some cracking anecdotes for their Saturday night out.

Are you honestly telling me the first thing they say to their partner when they get home of an evening isn't: "Eh, love, you'll never guess what I saw boarding Flight 315 to Helsinki today?"

The airport has stressed that the scanner's images are not pornographic, although to my mind that depends what you're doing while you're passing through.

Not only that, but how many times can you go through this scanner without it affecting you? Regular travellers could well end up looking like that glowing kid off the Ready Brek advert.

On the other hand, as the airport points out, the scanner does take away the hassle of removing coats, shoes and belts before the traditional "pat down" search which most passengers, apparently, don't like. Although I did once see several members of a Women's Institute weekend break to Magaluf go round twice.

Personally, I have never set off the alarms at the airport although my mother does have difficulties because of the metal plate in her head.

I've always experienced more difficulty at arrivals where I am routinely pulled over by stern looking officials, collectors of SS memorabilia, who appear to think they have just happened across a peculiarly pasty version of Pablo Escobar. It does little for anyone's self-esteem to be repeatedly mistaken for an international drugs mule with 144 condoms of neat cocaine in their stomach. Imagine their disappointment when all they find of interest is a leopard print thong and the latest Jackie Collins novel.

Of course there are already cries of outrage that the scanner is just the latest example of the creeping onset of Big Brother. Having said that, I am unaware of a scene in 1984 where a brusque woman with moderate weight issues takes a handbag to airport security officials.

I myself shall comply fully with the procedure. To such an end I have had a barcode tattooed on my left buttock.