Woodhouse's soapbox

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Saturday, August 16, 2008
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This is Staffordshire

THE question Coronation Street needs to be asking itself is whether it is ready for another serial killer just yet.

Let's face it, there's only so many slayings a soap street can take before the effect starts to wear off. I'm not saying we've become blasé about murders in Coronation Street but to be honest there's more drama and suspense to be found when one of Rita's paper boys rings in sick with a toothache.

In recent years, we've had people shaken off ladders, beaten round the head with ornaments, driven into canals, and battered with a monkey wrench. There are lawless regions of Caracas with a murder rate lower than Weatherfield. In Britain, only Midsomer comes anywhere near.

The Street is clearly lining Tony up as its next resident nutcase. He's had enough of people getting in the way of his business plans and is thus unlikely to let old Jed Stone, the last remaining tenant of a row of terraced houses that he wants to turn into an apartment block, get in his way.

Initially, Tony offers Jed money to leave. But the old-timer is defiant, claiming he won't be moved against his will. He's got an emotional attachment to the place – at least three dear departed budgies are buried in the yard.

When Tony pays Jed a second visit his mood is wholly menacing, a bit like Margaret Thatcher when she got the bit between her teeth at Prime Minister's Question time. We can see the fear in the old man's eyes and, as the row intensifies, Jed collapses.

With the Countdown-lover in hospital Tony seizes his chance to clear Jed's belongings in his absence. But this is one steely old gent. Even as he lies on his hospital bed, idly removing ticks from the pillow-case, he tells the visiting Tony once more to shove his cheque.

It is at this point that the red mist descends and Tony lifts a pillow to the old man's face. Is Tony about to become the latest in a very, very, long line of Coronation Street killers?

All I'm saying is that the Weatherfield stonemason is taking on extra staff.

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