Sea Patrol UK Five

THE British have a history of scavenging shipwrecked booty. You may recall the unedifying sight of hundreds swooping on Branscombe beach in Devon a couple of years ago, claiming motorbikes, wine casks, and perfume from the stranded MSC Napoli.

I didn't go myself. I'd already secured a rusty bike frame for the wife's birthday from the Caldon Canal.

A similar thing happened when the Riverdance ferry was washed up in Blackpool.

The ship spilled thousands of packets of McVitie's Homewheat along the shore.

This time, however, there were few takers. It's not everyone who wants a biscuit ready-dunked in raw sewage.

Sea Patrol UK had its own episode of maritime benevolence to deal with when, en route from Sweden to Egypt, the Russian ship Sinegorsk shed 1,500 tonnes of timber in the English Channel.

"I lost big cargo, I lost big cargo," the captain told the coastguard.

Back at the operations centre, the watch manager used a hi-tech piece of software to predict the path of the debris.

"We usually use it to predict where bodies will wash up," he said. It's worth considering as a stocking filler for a computer buff.

According to the software, the wood would move towards the east coast of Kent.

And, sure enough, a steady stream of timber washed up on the county's beaches over the next few days – much to the delight of the local tradesmen. More than one Kent inhabitant has wondered why, no matter what they do, they just can't shift the odour of seaweed from that new extension.

The coastguard wasn't pleased with the Russian captain. It appeared the Sinegorsk had been somewhat overloaded. Then again, the Russian captain wasn't best pleased with the coastguard. Russians aren't used to answering to investigative British officials.

Indeed, the general policy is to give them a jab with a poison-tipped umbrella.

To be honest, I'm not sure how they're going to stretch Sea Patrol UK out over six weeks. Let's face it, when you've seen one bloke with a dicky tummy being winched off a yacht, you've seen them all, although, now he's got a bit of time on his hands, I suppose there's always a chance that Freddie Flintoff will set himself adrift in a pedalo.

Worryingly, it's a programme that demands a constant stream of incidents.

If I was the UK coastguard, I'd look out for lantern-wielding employees of Channel Five hanging around on remote clifftops luring passing vessels on to the rocks.