Missing BBC1

I HADN'T realised that Jim Carver from The Bill is now a radio DJ on an entirely different channel. He turned up yesterday on the BBC's daytime drama Missing, pictured. He's not aging well. He looked like John Noakes after 25 years in solitary confinement.

He reckoned he was having trouble with a stalker. Although what kind of stalker sets their sights on a local radio DJ in Dover I'm unsure. A mystery woman had left a note on DJ Danny Hayworth's car. "I came and waited for you after your show last night," it read. "I watched you get into your car. You were alone."

Such attention can be a bit worrying. I occasionally get notes left under the windscreen wipers of my car – 'Sid's Kebab House – Now Open!', that kind of thing.

Sadly, DS Croft wasn't interested. "I do missing persons," she said, "not paranoid DJs."

DS Croft is played by Pauline Quirke, not altogether convincing in the guise of a policewoman. Let's face it, they never made a cop show with Hattie Jacques.

But Quirke's good at playing the harassed benevolent, sacrificing her own time and pleasure for the good of others. This time she was late for a birthday party at her sister's after dealing with a bit of unpleasantness with the Fathers 4 Justice-type organisation Campaign For Real Dads, a bit like the Campaign For Real Ale only with less beer – it's not advisable to have several pints before scaling Big Ben dressed in a Spiderman outfit.

She did eventually make it to the party only to find her estranged dad (played by Roy Hudd in a vast pink jumper) who she'd not seen for 20 years, skulking in the kitchen.

"You're a detective sergeant now," he told her. "That's great." You can understand his delight – the last time he saw her she was in Birds Of A Feather.

Croft was none too pleased to see her dad. For a start, she's been deeply wounded by his selfishness, and secondly he'd had the last of the sausage rolls. But she was heartened by solving the mystery of the DJ's stalker.

"You can stop worrying," she told Danny. "She's a lonely old dear who thinks you've got a lovely voice."

"I was genuinely worried," explained Danny.

"Well you should have thought of that before you sent her a signed photo with a flirty message," said Croft.

Indeed, sending flirty messages to elderly ladies is never a good idea. The next thing you know you're receiving a mystery package containing nowt but a Werthers Original and a pair of M&S bloomers.