Michael Baggaley: Stoke trio's golden shot could tarnish TP's summer plans

W E CAN only imagine Tony Pulis's delight when he learned he could lose three of his players this summer so they can turn out for the Great Britain Olympic team.

I picture him throwing his cap the length of the training pitch, with the force of a beefy 1970s East German discus star, before performing cartwheels along a crossbar in the style of Olga Korbut.

Golden boys Peter Crouch, Matthew Etherington and Matthew Upson could be in line to play for Team GB at the London Olympics.

In case you missed it, Peter Crouch, Matthew Etherington and Matthew Upson have been sounded out about playing for the GB football team, which will be managed by Stuart Pearce.

The problem is, if any of them are selected, they will miss most of pre-season training with Stoke.

Now, I'm sure TP wants to do his bit for the London Games, but Olympic football? Is it worth it? Really?

For starters, football has no more place in the Olympics than Stan Ogden does in the Rhythmic Gymnastics.

The Olympics should be the pinnacle of any sport which enters. But football already has the World Cup, which makes any Olympic footy competition seem like a Johnstone's Paint Trophy northern semi-final first leg in Accrington.

That's why tennis shouldn't be there either, and why the inclusion of golf for the 2016 Games in Rio is equally barmy (or let's face it, commercially driven).

Olympic competition should also be the best against the best, but the nation who win football gold won't be able to say they are the best on the planet.

Their boast will be "the best under-23s team with a couple of over-age players thrown in, so long as they aren't involved in the European Championships and their managers will let them go".

The players could one day tell the grandkids about it, but the nippers might want to watch SpongeBob SquarePants instead.

And Pearce's team could be British in name only because the Northern Irish, Welsh and Scottish FAs don't want their players to compete in case they lose their individual status in the eyes of FIFA.

The Celtic nations have been lambasted for being killjoys, mainly because FIFA have assured them competing in the Olympics won't make any difference.

However, I don't blame the Scots for, metaphorically at least, raising their kilts to the whole idea.

After all, this is the same FIFA who voted for a summer World Cup in Qatar ... but then said it could be held in the winter.

It's the same FIFA who have also had to investigate a bribery scandal among some of its own members.

Let's face it, if FIFA offered to do your double glazing, you'd look around for a second quote.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't a dig at the Olympics. I can't wait for the London Games in which Longsdon rower Anna Watkins and Light Oaks pole-vaulter Steven Lewis will be among the British hopefuls.

But this is the moment in the sun for the rowers, the pole vaulters, the triple jumpers, the swimmers, the gymnasts and the cyclists.

I love football, but we don't exactly need the British Olympic team to fill a void. After all, the season finishes with the Championship play-off final on May 27. Then the European Championships run from June 8 to July 1, then the season kicks off again in August.

Surely that's enough?

Good luck to any Stoke players who get picked for the Olympics. They might genuinely want to play, and besides, woe betide them if they turn their back on their country.

Similarly, Pulis can hardly tell an expectant nation: "Nah, Crouchy's not going to the Olympics. I want him for our pre-season friendly at Newport YMCA."

So what about a compromise? If the powers that be are hell bent on having some sort of football in the Olympics, then why not use new events which simply capture the flavour of our national game.

Here's some suggestions for the next committee meeting:

ARSENAL SPRINTING

THE traditional method of sprinting 100m from A to B in a straight line is boring and Neanderthal.

Under Arsenal sprinting, competitors must zig-zag and go backwards and forward. This takes much longer to get to the finish line, but is far more aesthetically pleasing.

Merit marks are awarded to any competitors who can disappear up their own backsides in post-match interviews.

SYNCHRONISED MOANING

RIVAL managers watch their teams play out a goalless draw and then simultaneously blame the referee for why their own side didn't win.

Extra points are awarded for bosses who successfully cover up their own team's failings. Marks are deducted from any manager who admits his players spent half the game trying to con the officials.

FOOTBALL DIRECTOR MARATHON

ENTRANTS must have been issued with shares worth £350,000 in a League Two football club and then used them to vote themselves on to the board, despite not paying for them. They must also have drawn a hefty salary from the club and been voted on to the board of directors after trumpeting an £8m investment, which never happened.

Competitors must start in Burslem and, after completing 26 miles, must keep going. Please.