A CONVERSATION which (hopefully) took place in the directors' box at Brentford last Saturday...

"Geez Rob, it's so cold."

"I know, duck. A bit different to watching the Raiders in LA, eh?"

"Just a bit. So is this your team in blue, honey?"

"Well not exactly mine, duck. But I am the majority shareholder. I named my team in LA after them. They normally play in black 'n white."

"I like the number one. He's got a nice butt."

"Ahem. Rock-superstar-in-your-presence alert! The number one is the goalkeeper and he saved a penalty in the first half."

"Is that good?"

"Yes, duck. Penalties are normally scored and we would now be losing 2-0 instead of 1-0."

"Oh. I see. How come the other team has the ball so much?"

"Er, cos we are lightweight in midfield. There are a lot of youngsters in our team. A real lack of experience and strength. I had no idea we were this bad, duck."

"Don't be sad, sweetie. I'm sure things will get better. Ooh, look. Scrummy! The number one is bending over to pick the ball out of that net."

"Yes. The opposition have scored again, duck. @$£!."

"I'm sorry, honey. Are you sad we came, now?"

"No duck, I'm just gutted to see how far the Vale have fallen. I remember watching when the bloke who is now our manager was a player. He was ace. I remember when we had Robbie Earle and Darren Beckford and Martin Foyle and 'Aspin for England'. I remember when we knocked Everton out of the FA Cup and kept beating that other lot from down the D-Road. I remember when we were pushing for promotion to the top flight under Rudgie. Just look at us now."

"Look sweetie, everything changes but you. It's not your fault that your team has gotten worse since you left England."

"Of course it isn't, duck. But it still hurts. It's one thing to look at the league table. It's another thing to come along here on a freezing day to watch us get stuffed by Brentford."

"Well at least I got to meet Mr Bratt. He seems nice. I think we should pay his bus fare home."

"He is nice, duck. He's a Vale fan. They're salt of the earth – every one of them. That's what my nan would have said. She gave me the money to go see Vale play when I was a kid."

"Ahhh. That's sweet, babe. So you're not too disappointed about today?"

"Nope. Now at least I know what I've been missing and I've got big plans for my club. I can't just sit by and watch it all go down the pan."

"Good, sweetie."

"Happy Valentine's Day, duck. It's home time. Let me entertain you..."

This column was first published in The Sentinel on February 20, 2009