Brothers' feud still raging 30 years on

Dallas Five, 9pm

IT'S been a while since Dallas was on. You could tell because Sue Ellen's face was held together not so much with plastic surgery as scaffolding.

JR's ex-wife was keen to emphasise she'd moved on. "For what it's worth," she told son John Ross, "I've changed." What she meant was she's off the Brasso.

JR himself was suffering from clinical depression. Things weren't like they used to be – no-one had shot him in 30 years.

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Brother Bobby, meanwhile, was getting all contemplative in his old age. "All those fights over Ewing Oil and Southfork," he told his brother. "Those fights changed me. They changed me in a way I don't like."

And, indeed, it was always sad to see his reliance on Grecian 2000.

Bobby was seeking reconciliation because he was dying. He didn't want their sons Christopher and John Ross to clash like they did – "I don't want them to be like us."

But, of course, that's exactly what they are like. While Christopher is the goody-goody seeker of green energy sources, John Ross, much to Bobby's chagrin, is drilling for oil on the sacred ranch.

"I promised momma there'd be no drilling on Southfork," he told his nephew. How they get any DIY done I don't know.

"I am sick to death of this family devouring itself over money," he railed. A quote I intend to remember next time the kids come asking for pocket money.

"There's plenty of oil out there," he blasted John Ross. "Go someplace else and find it." There's a fair amount on Piers Morgan.

John Ross clearly has nothing but disdain, not just for Bobby, but for Christopher too. "You're not a Ewing," he told him, "everybody knows your daddy sold you when you were a little baby." (the loophole's since been tightened on eBay).

Not content with trampling all over him business-wise, he's even stolen his fiancée Elena. Christopher's marrying Rebecca on the rebound, a frisky type liable to disrobe seductively in a tennis locker room, a scene reminiscent of the heyday of Betty Stove.

Sinking to new depths, John Ross even paid a lowlife to break into Bobby's home to steal his and Christopher's clean energy plans, Bobby's wife Ann threatening the escaping intruder with a gun.

"Next time, Miss Ewing," said the sheriff, "shoot them." Say what you like about America's gun laws but you see very little dog-fouling.

With his son finding two billion barrels of Southfork crude, JR was soon stirred from his trance. "Blood may be thicker than water," he noted, "but oil is thicker than both." True. I find the best thing to shift it is Daz.